sasha was the happiest orange

the merriment machine exposed

Life Carrier

Life Carrier, originally uploaded by kisslow.

Poor Wayfaring Stranger
 Couple guys had this up on there facebook wall tonight : Poor Wayfaring Stranger
It's an old fave of mine. I think I'll be listening to it on repeat for a while. And this a capella version is beyond the words of gorgeous, unearthly and magical. 

I haven't blogged in a while. A long while. In part thanks to the rush of exams and final papers and starting full time work. I can barely believe I made it through the past two semesters as well as I did... Final grades ranger from 78% to 94%. Content as a chicken. 

But I haven't journaled lately either. And I guess that only really happens anyway when I'm in a bad spot and I need a little private venting. A lot of song lyrics end up getting written down, rather than any coherent thoughts. I haven't journaled lately due to feeling okay and happy with things, though. 

Uneasiness and anxiety have been sort of a daily struggle lately. Flaking out on plans, letting down my Mom and Dad, snapping at my boyfriend, and I think I have to admit that a) I have no one to blame but myself. and b) these things happen in a pattern: discouragement, avoidance, and then the snap. 

I went out for lunch with a couple close girlfriends a few days ago. One gave me a hug, and then took a step back and looked at me. 
"Where have you gone? You're disappearing right in front of me."

So yeah, I haven't been eating a whole lot either. Subsequently, going to the gym and just running it out makes me feel better. I think it's just another phase, cause I'm not worried right now. I think just other people get worried for me. And I appreciate it, I really do - but I don't really know what to say either. "Thanks, I've been trying to lose weight" is not normally the response people are looking for. 
Then there's the all too well known Anger, and what a bitch she is. Brought on by more or less the same things on a more or less regular basis, she has sunk her teeth in deep and tightly the last few months and has not let go. It's killing my softly.
Far too often, I am lonely. I miss my friends. I miss being wanted by my friends. It takes an occasion to see them for any longer than an hour. Even when I was out with the girls I mentioned before, by the end of lunch they said "Okay, see you later" and took off together. I used to feel like I had something to offer to the friendships I had with people. Lately, I don't know how to describe the feeling other than "left out". How immature and childish does that sound? Disgustingly so. AND YET, there's always one of those, I know I haven't put in enough effort. So its a double en tendre, or something like that. A contradiction? I'm just a big old hypocrite? I haven't seen one of my very very best friends for at least two weeks, and it's not good. We talk less, too, because we haven't hung out. 
So, I'm making changes. I've got the time to see all these girls and guys I want to see, and I will make it happen. This is summer, baby. I will be happy. I will not feel abandoned. I will not feel anxious. I will be healthy. I will. Done. 
Love, S

i've seen your face
 i ran into someone tonight who barely knew me except for my name in high school. he was a part of a clan, in a sense, of well-liked and well-knowns. i could ell that he still held this arrogance about him when he looked at me like i was an idiot for opening my mouth to breathe, let alone say anything. 

i'm so over it. but i thought it was sort of ironic, too. made me chuckle.

its okay, we're all drunk bitches here.

just watch my wildest dreams come true, not one of them involving you
day seventeen.

It's a rainy day. A very drizzly, blustery, and wet day.
But thats okay! Because beautifuldream7  and I are going to exchange camera notes and perhaps take some pictures but mostly hide away from the rain. Grand, yes? :D

The details of my transfer to a Vancouver Starbucks are in the works, as is figuring out finances for school-paying-ness. Being an "adult" is fun, but sort of exhausting. So. Much. Thinking. 
I would love to go out dancing right now. Put on some sparkley shoes and hit up a dance floor. That would make me infinitely happy. 

Hopefully spring is near. I'm sick of winter. 


(no subject)

day fifteen.

Just some shots of a couple cool things in my room. The roses are from my birthday, nearly two months ago now. 

summer to-do's
Here's what I want to accomplish this summer:
  • get up super early to see the sun rise at the lagoon - preferably not alone.
  • hike Mt. Finlayson, at least once.
  • run the trail at Thetis Lake, without stopping. 
  • earn monies :(
  • road trip to Penticton with Haley
  • spend every available moment at the lake
  • take a solitary day trip up island
  • learn to surf in Tofino
  • make my own feather earings
  • get tattooed or pierced again xD
... That's all I got right now. Perhaps more later. :)

  • punch Dylly. With love.

this business of sadness
Many, many pictures added to the flickr tonight. I'd love to share them with you :)

 Going out to take a spring photo shoot - first one of the year. Wish me luck, and expect good things to come!

Also, I have a mini project going on @ ... If you're at ALL interested :D

Where is your sense of reality?
No, you can't have everything you want. You want to know why? Because shit happens. Look at Japan, at Libya, at Egypt. Be THANKFUL you don't struggle to live everyday. Be THANKFUL for your perfect little world with it's minor flaws. Be THANKFUL the only thing you have to deal with is getting up in the morning and going to bed at night. Be THANKFUL. For Christ sake. Where is your sense of reality?

the blessed are the blessing
I feel so... good tonight.

I've excelled a lot at my job in the past few months. I was honoured with the title "partner of the quarter" for the december-february season. Basically, the higher ups picked me as the hardest worker (not counting management) in the region ... Soooo, a few hundred other employees had the same chance I did. It felt really good.

And it all keeps coming in. My  assistant manager asked me last night to write down some of the things I'm good at, so that he can make up a development plan for me on the way to promotion. I haven't even asked for this.

Lastly, our manager spends a lot of time out of the city and needs to know that reliable people are setting up the store for success in the morning. He's pretty much ticked off at everyone for not doing their job properly, however  - except for myself and one other girl. So we've been put in charge of customer care.

Seriously, so much responsibility at Starbucks right now, but at the same time, I know it's good for me. 
I know where my strengths lie, and it's a good feeling. 


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