Couple guys had this up on there facebook wall tonight : Poor Wayfaring Stranger
It's an old fave of mine. I think I'll be listening to it on repeat for a while. And this a capella version is beyond the words of gorgeous, unearthly and magical.
I haven't blogged in a while. A long while. In part thanks to the rush of exams and final papers and starting full time work. I can barely believe I made it through the past two semesters as well as I did... Final grades ranger from 78% to 94%. Content as a chicken.
But I haven't journaled lately either. And I guess that only really happens anyway when I'm in a bad spot and I need a little private venting. A lot of song lyrics end up getting written down, rather than any coherent thoughts. I haven't journaled lately due to feeling okay and happy with things, though.
Uneasiness and anxiety have been sort of a daily struggle lately. Flaking out on plans, letting down my Mom and Dad, snapping at my boyfriend, and I think I have to admit that a) I have no one to blame but myself. and b) these things happen in a pattern: discouragement, avoidance, and then the snap.
I went out for lunch with a couple close girlfriends a few days ago. One gave me a hug, and then took a step back and looked at me.
"Where have you gone? You're disappearing right in front of me."
So yeah, I haven't been eating a whole lot either. Subsequently, going to the gym and just running it out makes me feel better. I think it's just another phase, cause I'm not worried right now. I think just other people get worried for me. And I appreciate it, I really do - but I don't really know what to say either. "Thanks, I've been trying to lose weight" is not normally the response people are looking for.
Then there's the all too well known Anger, and what a bitch she is. Brought on by more or less the same things on a more or less regular basis, she has sunk her teeth in deep and tightly the last few months and has not let go. It's killing my softly.
Far too often, I am lonely. I miss my friends. I miss being wanted by my friends. It takes an occasion to see them for any longer than an hour. Even when I was out with the girls I mentioned before, by the end of lunch they said "Okay, see you later" and took off together. I used to feel like I had something to offer to the friendships I had with people. Lately, I don't know how to describe the feeling other than "left out". How immature and childish does that sound? Disgustingly so. AND YET, there's always one of those, I know I haven't put in enough effort. So its a double en tendre, or something like that. A contradiction? I'm just a big old hypocrite? I haven't seen one of my very very best friends for at least two weeks, and it's not good. We talk less, too, because we haven't hung out.
So, I'm making changes. I've got the time to see all these girls and guys I want to see, and I will make it happen. This is summer, baby. I will be happy. I will not feel abandoned. I will not feel anxious. I will be healthy. I will. Done.